i had a dream!

It must have been only a dream but it was one of the best dreams I ever had.

I can't recall his face - of course my dream was about this guy - but it wasn't about his TDH features (which, like I said I hardly recall), it was the way he made me feel being in his presence. he usually knew the right things to say to get me blushing and he must have had a bag full of tricks with my name on it.

I never met him. He just walked into my space without warning, set up shop there and started arranging his stuff in my space before I could object. I was tongue-tied for a long while and in  absolute disbelief at what was going on because I am used to having my space to myself. However, I couldn't send him packing as he didn't do it in an offensive manner such that in the end I found myself welcoming him into by space.

We got talking (and boy, do I like to talk?). He humored me a lot and taught me as we went along. In a matter of minutes I found myself warming up to this guy and sharing long hours bantering over anything and everything. I found that he was an easy-to-like person and I must have been under a spell or something 'cos I spent much of my waking hours mulling through our conversations (with a smile on my face) or talking with him. I realized what it must be like to be in a serious exclusive relationship (and the dangers of excluding other friends, which I was unthinkingly exhibiting) and it felt good to have my own somebori.

Was it too good to be true?

I remember how different I used to be when I was younger - you'd need a whole lot of speeches to convince me that you had a reason to ask for my audience and even then if i felt you didn't make a good case, I'd squash your speech in front of you - not because I was cruel or insensitive but because I figured I might as well be your mirror until you know exactly why you want what you want from me. Not like much has changed now but I feel a lot less inclined to audition people or squash their speeches. I know within a few discussions if you have 'it' or not. And when I suspect you might, I key into 'it' and start analyzing the "what-ifs".  This case wasn't any different. Actually it was worse because it'd seem he came prepared with his "what-if-nots".

But of course yours truly has to go full circle - the gremlin showed up screaming "WHAT-IF" you get heartbroken again!!! and a million other what-ifs. My dream was beginning to stifle me as I couldn't voice my fears - actually i tried to but i admittedly did it from a place of fear and got shut out and completely misunderstood. That was when I knew I had to wake up. I couldn't go through another heart break right now (or ever). I started having 'the talks' with myself - "you will be fine; these things always have an opportunity cost which hurts so bad, so maybe you are indeed better off alone; you have no idea what you are being saved from; LET IT GO!"

The 5th floor

I remember that day and shudder.


I have had a previous encounter with depression but I was over it and looking forward to a new life in my new location. Depression was a thing of the past!

Or so I thought. Until i was blind sided by the devil himself. I didn't see it coming. There was nothing so spectacular about the day - I went to school dressed up in a flowing Ankara skirt because it was ethnic day. I kinda felt slighted that the most of the rest of the guys didn't dress up but o well, that isn't news. Anyways, so at the end of the day we decided to 'show face' at the stand and we had a bit of fun buying pepper soup and gisting. We ended up visiting the indian stand and I had a nice bite of chicken sauce and some nice not-naan-bread-that-starts-with-p... We were going back to the Nigerian stand so I could hear some loud nigerian music before I called it a day only to change my mind mid stride and wheel around. No prior thought - one minute I was going to the stand, the next minute I was sure I wasn't going, back to my room!

Home! And I couldn't even be bothered - if not that my skirt was dying to free itself from my waist I might have curled up in bed with it. Next thing, lights out - all unplanned. Then my mind starts wandering and an evil thought comes to mind - it's only the 5th floor, you can do it!

4 hours later, I was still in bed struggling with my thoughts and inaction until my favorite person in the world calls. I think that was the first step to me snapping out of it!


God help us all!

what did i remember, what did i forget?

school public holiday:

i guess i've always been absent-minded to a large extent. These days my simple distraction has been inferred to mean ADD-attention deficit disorder or more simply old age. Who would have guessed that big grammar and an attending dire diagnosis would be the explanation for forgetfulness. Meanwhile it is not that i always forget, just on occasion.

Friday school days were usually shorter and more fun - the weekend i guess, but more importantly because the Muslims had to attend to prayers at about 2 o'clock. This means that lunch break was earlier and everyone was happier. Anyways on this fateful Friday, nothing seemed different.

On Monday. there was a public announcement on the radio to the effect of declaring the said day a Public Holiday (I forget why). This was after we'd  gone through the usual ritual of getting ready for school. Unfortunately, the public holiday did not include Public Servants. So it was with vehemence that i insisted that no one had told us about any public holiday in school o!(which was true by the way - or at least as far as my absent mindedness could remember). I don't think any of my siblings raised much opposition - we would all rather be in school than holed up with the wicked help.

As if on cue, the help called me aside and whispered "are you sure there is school? If there is no school, you will be in trouble with me." I prayed even harder, dreading the possibility that I was wrong. Lo and behold, we got to school and immediately I knew something was wrong - too quiet! If it were up to me, I'd have reopened schools just to avoid her spelled out trouble!

Unfortunately, I couldn't reopen school. I was homebound and trying to dodge going home to avoid Aunty 'sisi's' trouble. And did I get the trouble - in full measure. My parents dropped us off at the gate and drove off for work. I braced up for the showdown. Aunty sisi was scrubbing the corridor as we walked in. I took off my school clothes and went on my fours scrubbing with aunty. I don't remember the rest of the day in detail but I remember I cried myself to sleep. I think that is selective memory....

You are not alone

The story of the broom stick and the broom, a lesson in the latent strength of unity.

Little wonder like-minded people or people that have something in common gather together and accomplish it - on my mind as i write this is Alcohol Anonymous group (predictably morbid right?)


As I sat at my improvised desk (I had moved location and my particular role in this new location was as vague as could be), I was having a quiet day and decided to indulge in my favourite past time - blog hopping, of course starting from my favorites (sealed lips).

Now, I don't know if it is mere coincidence or if the trend i noticed yesterday is more than a figment of my imagination. People are sha expressive! The funny part is I could identify with a lot of things the ladies were sharing and some more from the guys. In case you are wondering, the trend I am talking about can be described in one word as explicit - gals are not smiling o! Neither are guys but I think guys have not been smiling for a while now so it was kinda good to hear from the non-smiling gals.

The gist that caught my attention the most was how come it is okay to have friends with benefit in this Lagos, to how to make sure you don't fall for your friends-with-benefit. After watching the movie, I started thinking that it wasn't such a bad idea to have a child by a friend who you have friend-zoned just because mr right is nowhere in the horizon....I even expressed my sentiment to a few friends and I remember vividly one of them saying "tah! shut up there. Miss weirdo". And so I did, I actually reconsidered .... then I met like-thinking people in the blogoshpere. It would seem the blogosphere is filled with all sorts - anyways, I always seem to have a laugh whenever I indulge.

So let's talk about the benefits (or lack thereof) of friends with benefits. Is it the single woman's version of legal promiscuity? Is it the next logical step in these our times where good men are far and few in between and a sexually active sister has to survive anyways? Maybe this is an age long practice sef and JJC like me, I am just finding out last and just because it has a 'cute' name (and movie) to tag it that's why we are talking?

My first reaction was to say 'tufiakwa', we must do it right o - marry as second wife if you must but the option of sleeping with someone with no emotional attachment is sooooo unfeminine. We (as women) don't have to join in the emotional bankruptcy that men have been known to indulge in, sometimes blatantly. Having said that, I kinda understand where these ladies are coming from and that put me in a kinda dilemma. I don't endorse it, but then again I am not the relationship version of NAFDAC.

Like one of the bloggers said, to each their own o! I'm not preaching, just saying.#tatafo.com

Don't say never!

Somethings are no-brainers....that is until the brain in question is yours. I had heard severally while I was growing up not to be quick to jump to conclusion. I heard it many years ago but I learned what this meant in more recent years.

I remember when I was in junior secondary school, we had some 'movie' nights. To put things somewhat in perspective, this school had a lot of drama surrounding the spiritual, the metaphysical. Therefore, it is not surprising that the movie nights were strictly about the religious. This particular movie night was about a movie on abortion. As tears streamed down my face, I could not understand the inherent wickedness of a mother who would not only consider abortion but make good the act of killing her baby. For me there was no reason on God's earth to justify or excuse the act. Things were more in black and white.

A few years after that movie, I met a lady on my street who was in the same age group as me, walking by with her baby bump-not married, and obviously without her baby daddy. I took the gist home and surprisingly found myself applauding her courage. In the years between when I watched the pro-life movie and the time I met the lady, I had become a little more tolerant but still unforgiving of abortions. There were a few younger girls in our community, younger sisters to friends, close family friends or just children of my mother's friends who had taken in at an early age and without the a 'formal' baby daddy, had decided to keep the baby. It kinda shocked me that young girls were indeed sleeping around for no apparent reason - money was not an excuse, love was not admissible in court, companionship was a far-fetched excuse. I guess the reason I found myself applauding my neighbour's courage was that I realized that the harder decision was to keep a baby - especially one born out of wedlock and to a father who wanted nothing to do with the mother and child.

More recently, we lost a 28 year old lady who had taken in for a boyfriend who she had been going out with for up to 4 years and who wanted the baby. From the gist I heard, she decided on an abortion to avoid facing the wrath of her parents-and then she died! I was furious, that this woman who had come of age to have children and was blessed with the possibility of having a child, decided to safe face and in the process kill herself and her baby. Argh! At the time I had a few indignant questions for the deceased to answer: Why are you sleeping with someone if you were not prepared to have a baby with him? Why are you trying to save face at the expense of a life? At 28 years you are a woman in every sense of the word and should have started your own family, so pray tell me why you think this age is not as good as any to start your family? Why after 4 years of being with someone you don't want to have their baby then why are you still with them especially after they did not want to take out the baby?

A few years later, it was de-ja-vu again but luckily for the lady in question (luckily in a sad way), she killed only her baby and face was saved. The same questions apply as before but the answers are also a deafening  mindless silence.

Can’t find a better man!

I used to be the cliché single man-parry, parry, parry all night. And then I got married and that’s the reason I am sitting here all alone drinking. Nope, I aint no alcoholic and nope I am not contemplating suicide. My wife though, probably don’t believe it that I am all by myself-we don’t talk much anymore. I have tried many different things before I got here – to drinking all by myself - and believe me, this by far is the least complicated. If this new style is come to stay? Only time will tell! 

Yesterday, I watched (more like listened involuntarily) a documentary on TV about mid-life crisis and it got me thinking. Maybe that is where I am at. Nothing seems to appeal to me. Not work, not even the wife of my youth, definitely not the twins that I sired and that, as far as I am concerned stopped growing 4 months back. Going to church is a distant memory, ever-fading. Life seems to pass by in a blur and neither news of the international or national state of affairs interests me in the least. That'd explain my impatience with all the guys at the office who insist on discussing football or politics or just the news generally. Thankfully, I have my own office and nowadays I make it a point to leave the door close - forget the open-door policy the company is advocating.

I ventured seeking help in the early days, when I visited my family doctor. He left a bad taste in my mouth-presumptuousness et al. It was obvious wifey had had a recent discussion with him. It was all I could do to keep the poker face on and pretend he was communicating with me. I tuned out the first 5 minutes after I stepped into his office. I gave up totally on seeking help but have since considered going to see a real shrink - some anonymous psychologist. 

Maybe I should go on a vacation. Just that in this real life I live in, a vacation is a luxury. So what is bothering me? I have analyzed the matter severally but still I hit a wall and am back to the same spot.
I'm obviously burned out at work. I used to love what I was doing and as a result I did well. I received commensurate appreciation - in promotions and monetarily- within the company. Now I feel unchallenged at the job and unmotivated to do anything about it. It'd seem everything happened at the same time... I woke up one morning to realize I'd be way past the half of the average years man is purportedly allotted to live (70yrs) and that I had spent the last 9 stagnating at work. It'd seem that that was when the still birth of my daughter, 6 months ago at the time, hit me squarely in the stomach. I lost appetite for everything - food and non-food. All I seemed to be able to do well was sleep. And sleep I did. My wife was disgusted at me and my new found sloppiness. At first she tried to reach out to me- she used to stir up a conversation then, out of some sort of desperation. She thought she was losing me to another woman - and then she gave up. After she gave up on me, I felt more forlorn than I'd felt initially and from then onward, things went spiraling down and out of my control. All i could do was siddon look.

Wifey called on my best friend- my mom. That in itself was a miracle as my mom and my wife fit perfectly the popular script of 'mother-in-law and wife antagonism'. My mom, who had been forced to get used to not interfering, had no clue how to start intervening. She called a few times and then gave up I guess. Today is wifey's birthday and all day I was hoping I could do all I was supposed to do-buy her a gift, take her out to dinner like i did last year (only last year?), at least get home early and maybe cook her a dinner...even as I sit here, all these things I could and should do come back to me. But I know better now not to rouse this sleeping dog. I know now that I'd sit here like I always do and drink the regular shots of straight vodka sitting beside my customary spot near the window - not like I cared much for the scenery, just so I get less chance of being bothered. At midnight, I know I'd walk back to my car, just a little tipsy and drive home. I know I'd let myself in and that wifey would have my meal put up nicely in a warmer on the dinning. I know I'd go by the table and open the warmer to the smell of a nicely prepared meal and that's the closest I'd get to eating. I know I'd walk to the visitor's room, where I have since put up shop and sink into the mattress fully dressed - waiting for the 7am alarm to go off heralding the dawn of a new day-same, same... just different day. All I want is for wifey to sleep through the night and not weep in her her muffled, heart wrenching way. She cries on some nights and when it wakes me up, it is all I can do not to go and hug her. It breaks my heart each time and I am sure she doesn't know that I know.

Believe me, if i could, I'd have done everything I should do. But I am tired. Very tired-physically and in that other place. I guess this is what it feels like being dead. I guess I'd have to wait it all out, my only consolation being that 'everything that has a beginning has an end'. 

when i say 'I do' then 'I don't'

It'd seem I was sleeping all through life and woke up the day I said "I do". At least that's how it appears to me. The guy had stood across from me at the altar, beaming a self-assured smile, possibly mirroring my 100watt smile. That guy must have been a stranger, or is it this one I now live with that is the stranger? Or maybe I am the stranger! I dunno. Sometimes, when I replay that day, I wish I had taken off like Julia Roberts in the movie Runaway Bride-maybe I'd be happier now.....maybe.

Their marriage had lasted all of 5 years and now it all seemed pointless-getting married in the first place. What was I thinking? My instinct had always been of marriage-phobia, commitment-phobia generally. Then that year the marriage bug must have bitten me, the friends were getting married and dropping more babies per second it'd seem, the biological clock seemed to tick louder and louder too and everything else happened quickly. I met ez (Easy) and we fit like a pair of socks. He was easy (lol) going and seemed to tolerate my every idiosyncrasy - and I know I had one too many a quirk.

So what happened? How did our happy ever after turn to this?

I'm sure I'd exhaust you, if you indulge me, with a litany of good reasons why I had to go back on my word. I like to think that I made the best decision when I decided to say "I do", how come I am as sure now that it is best to leave-leave with any iota of dignity or self respect I have left in me, for me? I can't even begin to explain it...But I realize that if I could turn back the hands of time, I might still make the same mistake! It shakes me right through my foundation-the turn of things these last years...how far I'd come-I barely recognize me. But right now and regardless of what anyone thinks, I am done with this here! I'd even go all the way through the motions to unsay 'I do' or better still say 'I don't'.