Can’t find a better man!

I used to be the cliché single man-parry, parry, parry all night. And then I got married and that’s the reason I am sitting here all alone drinking. Nope, I aint no alcoholic and nope I am not contemplating suicide. My wife though, probably don’t believe it that I am all by myself-we don’t talk much anymore. I have tried many different things before I got here – to drinking all by myself - and believe me, this by far is the least complicated. If this new style is come to stay? Only time will tell! 

Yesterday, I watched (more like listened involuntarily) a documentary on TV about mid-life crisis and it got me thinking. Maybe that is where I am at. Nothing seems to appeal to me. Not work, not even the wife of my youth, definitely not the twins that I sired and that, as far as I am concerned stopped growing 4 months back. Going to church is a distant memory, ever-fading. Life seems to pass by in a blur and neither news of the international or national state of affairs interests me in the least. That'd explain my impatience with all the guys at the office who insist on discussing football or politics or just the news generally. Thankfully, I have my own office and nowadays I make it a point to leave the door close - forget the open-door policy the company is advocating.

I ventured seeking help in the early days, when I visited my family doctor. He left a bad taste in my mouth-presumptuousness et al. It was obvious wifey had had a recent discussion with him. It was all I could do to keep the poker face on and pretend he was communicating with me. I tuned out the first 5 minutes after I stepped into his office. I gave up totally on seeking help but have since considered going to see a real shrink - some anonymous psychologist. 

Maybe I should go on a vacation. Just that in this real life I live in, a vacation is a luxury. So what is bothering me? I have analyzed the matter severally but still I hit a wall and am back to the same spot.
I'm obviously burned out at work. I used to love what I was doing and as a result I did well. I received commensurate appreciation - in promotions and monetarily- within the company. Now I feel unchallenged at the job and unmotivated to do anything about it. It'd seem everything happened at the same time... I woke up one morning to realize I'd be way past the half of the average years man is purportedly allotted to live (70yrs) and that I had spent the last 9 stagnating at work. It'd seem that that was when the still birth of my daughter, 6 months ago at the time, hit me squarely in the stomach. I lost appetite for everything - food and non-food. All I seemed to be able to do well was sleep. And sleep I did. My wife was disgusted at me and my new found sloppiness. At first she tried to reach out to me- she used to stir up a conversation then, out of some sort of desperation. She thought she was losing me to another woman - and then she gave up. After she gave up on me, I felt more forlorn than I'd felt initially and from then onward, things went spiraling down and out of my control. All i could do was siddon look.

Wifey called on my best friend- my mom. That in itself was a miracle as my mom and my wife fit perfectly the popular script of 'mother-in-law and wife antagonism'. My mom, who had been forced to get used to not interfering, had no clue how to start intervening. She called a few times and then gave up I guess. Today is wifey's birthday and all day I was hoping I could do all I was supposed to do-buy her a gift, take her out to dinner like i did last year (only last year?), at least get home early and maybe cook her a dinner...even as I sit here, all these things I could and should do come back to me. But I know better now not to rouse this sleeping dog. I know now that I'd sit here like I always do and drink the regular shots of straight vodka sitting beside my customary spot near the window - not like I cared much for the scenery, just so I get less chance of being bothered. At midnight, I know I'd walk back to my car, just a little tipsy and drive home. I know I'd let myself in and that wifey would have my meal put up nicely in a warmer on the dinning. I know I'd go by the table and open the warmer to the smell of a nicely prepared meal and that's the closest I'd get to eating. I know I'd walk to the visitor's room, where I have since put up shop and sink into the mattress fully dressed - waiting for the 7am alarm to go off heralding the dawn of a new day-same, same... just different day. All I want is for wifey to sleep through the night and not weep in her her muffled, heart wrenching way. She cries on some nights and when it wakes me up, it is all I can do not to go and hug her. It breaks my heart each time and I am sure she doesn't know that I know.

Believe me, if i could, I'd have done everything I should do. But I am tired. Very tired-physically and in that other place. I guess this is what it feels like being dead. I guess I'd have to wait it all out, my only consolation being that 'everything that has a beginning has an end'.